No, NO! No you aren't glad, you aren't proud, and YOUR NAME ISN'T 'KELLY'! You are something out there; something that's broken and eating YUM. You are listening to Sammy Hagar and clicking on every pop-up that says "Obey" in it! You...
Hm. 'Reversatrol' is the name of the product. (Does it have ah-sigh-ee berries in it?) This reminds me of a funny story about a demon.
Teledress was a minor maleficient entity who held sway over telecommunications. I apologize for the poor quality photo. The old thing you could do when you would talk to someone calling themselves an 'operator'? Where you could 'reverse the charges'? That's where Teledress would step in.Whether you realized it or not, you caused a lot more to happen in that simple action that you might have thought. Polarities reversed, streams ran backwards, male electrical plugs suddenly became attracted to each other (and female electrical plugs were capable of parthenogenesis!), babies became old Creepy Wrinkle Babies and Coke and Pepsi merged.
Needless to say, his realm has increased a lot in the last ten or fifteen years. First it was Teh Internet (who changed his named from 'Ted' about two years ago; everybody kept misspelling it), which made it so that everything you do can be tracked with even greater ease than before. Cellular phones make it even easier for everybody to hear every private conversation you have (and just as a special kind of Fuck You, your private communications aren't even legally yours), and finally they made digital teevee mandatory, which not only means that everybody has to pay for television now, but everything they watch can be tracked.
Yep, he went from something that we all kinda joked about and kicked and pushed a little to something that more or less controls all things human. It's funny how that happens. Heh.
So what can you do? Nothing! Well, there's a couple of back doors.
Google "Google". Now go to "Googling Google". Now Google "Yahoo". Now go to whatever remains of Alta Vista and repeat. Good.
Wait a minute; no don't do that. Okay...
Get out your credit cards. Don't just throw them away, destroy them first, because unless you unleash what lies in wait inside, it can still listen to your thought(s). Paper money? It has bands of pure Space Metal (tm) inside! You can pull it out all you like; all you've done is destroy the
Wealth Magic (patent pending), and now you can't buy things with it.
Sell your car. Hell, destroy your car: it has something called GPS (God Parent Simulator!) inside of it if it's new at all, and computer tracking chips going back to at least the late Seventies. Now go destroy your neighbor's car.
Get rid of your living tissue thing doubling as a limited communication device (or 'cellular phone'), and go back to landlines for as long as you can hold out. Dial phones, if you can. They can still listen to everything you say, but at least you're not holding a Cancer Giver to your head when it's not nestled next to your genitals.
And above all else, it's time to stop using Teh Internet. At least five different summonings/callings of Power reside within anagrams of that phrase, and all of them bring...Uh...
Hi everybody, it's Satan. What's everybody been doing since I've been gone? I went to a hotel to catch up on the "Burn Notice" marathon because Stacy said she didn't want 'that shit in her house'. So even though it's really My house, I went to the Sheraton (tm) by the airport, and I just got back. She jumped right up from the computer and gave me a big hug! While quickly shutting off the computer! So...What's goin' on, bitchezzz? I left off at 'Heh.' Let me just hit 'publish', so I can read this whole thing.
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