The Thanks Taking

Hideous. Diseased. And sanctioned by God.

As Ozzy Osbourne once said, "God cursed all of you."
Well, and more to the point, I've never been a church-going type, but I'm happy to say that I finally found a bunch of people who really get it: The Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas, U.S.A.!

They care about things that are irrelevant and stupid, sure. They do such ridiculous things in pursuit of a completely one-note political agenda, it's like they're funded by some liberal slush fund or something.
And of course, they certainly look like a bunch of exquisite little men who talk a little too much about their wives while they're "fellowshipping" at the gym...And their women are all tanks, but still, they do get the most important message of all:

GOD HATES THE WORLD! It's so great to finally find a church that 's willing to admit that!
Check out their rad video!




Wow. I normally hate choirs. This almost makes up for my tumor/plague ridden turkey I'm forced to eat (It's Law) every year at this time.
But unlike my increasingly vindictive and childish Tormentor, I like the world. The world has cupcakes, and Oprah, who has her own catalogue (!!!!), where you can buy clothes to identify yourself as part of Team O! Here's a sneak peek!



So, in the world to come where everybody will dress like A Fat, so nobody feels bad about themselves, people will finally stop worrying about the God thing altogether. And for that, I'm taking some Thanks this year.

The Moustaching of Indeterminate Sexual Orientation

Hey everybody: it was just 'Stachetober! I went ahead and grew out my facial hair, and just as soon as November First rolled around, I shaved it right off again!
This adjunct to Rocktober (tm) is pretty darned great. Damned great! It's one thing to have one month set aside each year for the express purpose of rocking as hard as possible, but to add the unfairly-discriminated-against Moustache to the mix is pure brilliant genius!

But now: it's November, or, as some would call it, Mo-vember. At first I figured, well, why not? It's not as catchy as Rocktober, but it still rhymes, and why not set aside a month for...More, I guess.
But then a friend of mine tells me (okay: it was my girlfriend Stacy) that it's really 'Mo' as in ho-Mo-sexual, and that you're supposed to...Be gay I guess, but at no point else in the year, or something?

First the moustache, now this? How am I supposed to deal with the already way-out-of-control widespread notion that I'm already gay? I mean, pretty much any time you see me portrayed in mass media, it's as a lisping, swishy guy.
Between those damn commercials for Underwood Devilled Ham (tm) in the Seventies (remember? A family is confused about what to have for lunch, when this tiny red dude with a tail and a pitchfork pops out of the canned food aisle and slobbers like an elderly pederast, "Hey gaaaang; how 'bout a great tasting sahhhnd-wich made with Underwood...") to what they did to me on 'South Park', I'm always a figure of ridicule. And it's ridicule bordering on hatred, natch, since these are the People of God we're talking about here, and they, like their boss, Love to Hate.


I mean, just look what they did to me on 'The Powerpuff Girls'! The character is only known as 'Him', but it's pretty clear that it's supposed to be Me. For what it's worth, out of all the homosexuals I've known (a few), I've never met one who liked dresses.
Or maybe some did, I don't know because I'm Not Gay. I've had a harder time with this than Aquaman, or Robin (The Boy Wonder) (tm).
He ('Him') doesn't seem to be a man who likes boys. He's really honestly A Girl who occasionally rises up to thwart The Powerpuff Girls.

Well, that- to my mind- is not me, nor is it being A Gay.

Above all else, I'm pretty sure that Stacy doesn't appreciate it. Well, actually she thinks it's pretty funny. But my point remains the same: I also haven't had a tail or carried a pitchfork since The Middle Ages, so why should I still be marred as something that I Am Not-not that there's anything wrong with the thing that they're claiming that I Am!

Matter of fact, based on how dimly the whole same-sex thing is viewed in The Gospels (tm), I'm gonna go ahead and say that The Gays Are My People! They are despised by God even more than he despises humanity at large! Even more so than his weird fucking hippie son hated fig trees (WTF?), and even more than those who wear cotton/poly blends (it's in there, folks: look it up!).

Now, I know that a fair amount of The Gays wish they could be accepted into the church, and all I have to say to that is: how sad. I feel the same way about Jews For Jesus (tm). Yes, next time I find a bar full of Avenging Archangels, I sure do think I'll march right up to them and say, "Hey, I know you hate me and everything, but I don't see why that should stop me from joining up with you, and being benignly tolerated while occasionally having to listen to kindly advice about how maybe just maybe I should stop being Me."
Yes. That would be good. I can imagine the looks on their dirty, stupid faces.

Just go ahead and accept it. God hates you, he hates Me, and he reeeally hates The Gays. Can't we all (the rest of us) just get along? I can see a Utopia of sorts occurring here on Earth (one of my titles is still 'Lord of This World', you know, as if that's some sort of bad thing), once we collectively turn our backs on that psychotic Hebrew War Deity That Lives In The Sky, and get back to the world we live in.
I can just see him now, squirming and shrinking comically, going, "NOOOOOOO!!!", just like that tiny...Green, effeminate demon thing in your dishwasher that I'm pretty sure was also supposed to be me on commercials for Calgonite in The Seventies.

So, I'm probably going to keep a low profile in 'Movember, getting back on my game right as Decimationember (or whatever) rolls around. Meanwhile, if you're acting like it's 'Movember even when it's Juneteenth, it's all good, bro!