The Reversal of Misfortune, and A Wrinkle in Time

From Cara's Wrinkle Blog: "Hey mom, so glad you finally got this page up! Glad I could help. Your story should inspire people. So proud of you. Love you and see you soon!"

No, NO! No you aren't glad, you aren't proud, and YOUR NAME ISN'T 'KELLY'! You are something out there; something that's broken and eating YUM. You are listening to Sammy Hagar and clicking on every pop-up that says "Obey" in it! You...

Hm. 'Reversatrol' is the name of the product. (Does it have ah-sigh-ee berries in it?) This reminds me of a funny story about a demon.

Teledress was a minor maleficient entity who held sway over telecommunications. I apologize for the poor quality photo. The old thing you could do when you would talk to someone calling themselves an 'operator'? Where you could 'reverse the charges'? That's where Teledress would step in.

Whether you realized it or not, you caused a lot more to happen in that simple action that you might have thought. Polarities reversed, streams ran backwards, male electrical plugs suddenly became attracted to each other (and female electrical plugs were capable of parthenogenesis!), babies became old Creepy Wrinkle Babies and Coke and Pepsi merged.

Needless to say, his realm has increased a lot in the last ten or fifteen years. First it was Teh Internet (who changed his named from 'Ted' about two years ago; everybody kept misspelling it), which made it so that everything you do can be tracked with even greater ease than before. Cellular phones make it even easier for everybody to hear every private conversation you have (and just as a special kind of Fuck You, your private communications aren't even legally yours), and finally they made digital teevee mandatory, which not only means that everybody has to pay for television now, but everything they watch can be tracked.

Yep, he went from something that we all kinda joked about and kicked and pushed a little to something that more or less controls all things human. It's funny how that happens. Heh.

So what can you do? Nothing! Well, there's a couple of back doors.

Google "Google". Now go to "Googling Google". Now Google "Yahoo". Now go to whatever remains of Alta Vista and repeat. Good.
Wait a minute; no don't do that. Okay...

Get out your credit cards. Don't just throw them away, destroy them first, because unless you unleash what lies in wait inside, it can still listen to your thought(s). Paper money? It has bands of pure Space Metal (tm) inside! You can pull it out all you like; all you've done is destroy the
Wealth Magic (patent pending), and now you can't buy things with it.
Sell your car. Hell, destroy your car: it has something called GPS (God Parent Simulator!) inside of it if it's new at all, and computer tracking chips going back to at least the late Seventies. Now go destroy your neighbor's car.

Get rid of your living tissue thing doubling as a limited communication device (or 'cellular phone'), and go back to landlines for as long as you can hold out. Dial phones, if you can. They can still listen to everything you say, but at least you're not holding a Cancer Giver to your head when it's not nestled next to your genitals.

And above all else, it's time to stop using Teh Internet. At least five different summonings/callings of Power reside within anagrams of that phrase, and all of them bring...Uh...

Hi everybody, it's Satan. What's everybody been doing since I've been gone? I went to a hotel to catch up on the "Burn Notice" marathon because Stacy said she didn't want 'that shit in her house'. So even though it's really My house, I went to the Sheraton (tm) by the airport, and I just got back. She jumped right up from the computer and gave me a big hug! While quickly shutting off the computer! So...What's goin' on, bitchezzz? I left off at 'Heh.' Let me just hit 'publish', so I can read this whole thing.

The Many Headed Hydra of YUM

Oh crap; shit's comin' down, man!

Okay, I told you how now I get Sammy Hagar on my answering machine, talking the bullshit you see on the dieting blogs? And how he wants to sacrifice children, which I'll always get blamed for, no matter how obvious it is that it's a Christer thing? Well, at least I have the YUM corporation, right? At least as a source of power? Well...

No, maybe not. Maybe I'll just have to give up all my power altogether. Maybe just maybe YUM has a mind of its own. I notice that -since the last time I checked- they bought Long John Silver's and A&W. And something called Wing Street! I don't even know what that is!

So my mission statement regarding these brands hasn't changed: to provide not-food to as many people as possible, for reasons of my own. But my management at YUM wants something else: well, actually they just say that they want to make as much money as possible here, and China too. That's fine, but where's the love? The love of not-food?

See, take your average Pizza Hut. No really; take it! (LOL!) But anyway, it makes such a wide array of things that people like, I bet pretty much nobody notices that the minute it goes into their bodies, it starts immediately trying to find a way out. The same holds true at Long John Silver's: a piece of food-grade plastic, breaded and deep-fried, enjoys the same market value as some sort of fish that one would previously had to go out to sea for. Taco Bell provides an easy place to get rid of sub-dog-food grade meats. The tortillas are made of shredded old newspapers! It's genius!
KFC was said to have become an acronym after it was discovered that what they were passing off as chicken was actually "Animal #3", or something. More level-headed people said that it was a simple piece of marketing; the word "fried" had a negative connotation. They were both right!

So this mutant army of non-foods wants to get back into circulation as quickly as possible, which again, you've noticed if you've ever eaten in any of these places. Why? Well...

I'll get to that later. In the meanwhile, I still feel like the board of directors is getting away from me. Look at these guys:
The inscrutable Samuel Su, who heads The China Division, has decided to do something called "East Dawning™, a quick service restaurant concept serving Chinese food." Selling food-inspired product that looks and smells Asian to Asians in Asia: I'm okay with that, but I wish he'd asked me.

Lots of them have names that bespeak the evil that we undertake: Massimo Ferragamo, Rob Savage, Greg Creed, Timothy P. Jerzyk (or just 'Tim the Jerk', as they call him around the office), and Jonathan S. Linen, which isn't really evil sounding, but sounds made up, like John Shirt, or something.

On one side, there is us, selling food that refuses to stay in your bodies. On the other side, a huge diet-based industry that tells you that you shouldn't eat fast food. They don't know how wrong they are!
But of course, this is what's known as a dynamic market, and there's room for stuff like that. All that matters to me is that these vital not-exactly-organisms are marching forward through the greatest delivery system on earth: the sewer system! I don't care if you flushed it out of your body with acai berries, or you just let your body not-recognize it as food: it just needs to get back into circulation!

I see there have been as many lawsuits as there have been successes (mostly for e-coli poisoning, but plenty of labor disputes as well), but it scarcely matters. When the post-consumer homonunculi begin to rise from the soil, we will...No, I've already said too much.

Hm. I see here that the Lawsuit Against God has been thrown out, and CUPCAKES ARE A VIRUS!!! WHY DOES HE MOCK ME?