The Many Headed Hydra of YUM

Oh crap; shit's comin' down, man!

Okay, I told you how now I get Sammy Hagar on my answering machine, talking the bullshit you see on the dieting blogs? And how he wants to sacrifice children, which I'll always get blamed for, no matter how obvious it is that it's a Christer thing? Well, at least I have the YUM corporation, right? At least as a source of power? Well...

No, maybe not. Maybe I'll just have to give up all my power altogether. Maybe just maybe YUM has a mind of its own. I notice that -since the last time I checked- they bought Long John Silver's and A&W. And something called Wing Street! I don't even know what that is!

So my mission statement regarding these brands hasn't changed: to provide not-food to as many people as possible, for reasons of my own. But my management at YUM wants something else: well, actually they just say that they want to make as much money as possible here, and China too. That's fine, but where's the love? The love of not-food?

See, take your average Pizza Hut. No really; take it! (LOL!) But anyway, it makes such a wide array of things that people like, I bet pretty much nobody notices that the minute it goes into their bodies, it starts immediately trying to find a way out. The same holds true at Long John Silver's: a piece of food-grade plastic, breaded and deep-fried, enjoys the same market value as some sort of fish that one would previously had to go out to sea for. Taco Bell provides an easy place to get rid of sub-dog-food grade meats. The tortillas are made of shredded old newspapers! It's genius!
KFC was said to have become an acronym after it was discovered that what they were passing off as chicken was actually "Animal #3", or something. More level-headed people said that it was a simple piece of marketing; the word "fried" had a negative connotation. They were both right!

So this mutant army of non-foods wants to get back into circulation as quickly as possible, which again, you've noticed if you've ever eaten in any of these places. Why? Well...

I'll get to that later. In the meanwhile, I still feel like the board of directors is getting away from me. Look at these guys:
The inscrutable Samuel Su, who heads The China Division, has decided to do something called "East Dawning™, a quick service restaurant concept serving Chinese food." Selling food-inspired product that looks and smells Asian to Asians in Asia: I'm okay with that, but I wish he'd asked me.

Lots of them have names that bespeak the evil that we undertake: Massimo Ferragamo, Rob Savage, Greg Creed, Timothy P. Jerzyk (or just 'Tim the Jerk', as they call him around the office), and Jonathan S. Linen, which isn't really evil sounding, but sounds made up, like John Shirt, or something.

On one side, there is us, selling food that refuses to stay in your bodies. On the other side, a huge diet-based industry that tells you that you shouldn't eat fast food. They don't know how wrong they are!
But of course, this is what's known as a dynamic market, and there's room for stuff like that. All that matters to me is that these vital not-exactly-organisms are marching forward through the greatest delivery system on earth: the sewer system! I don't care if you flushed it out of your body with acai berries, or you just let your body not-recognize it as food: it just needs to get back into circulation!

I see there have been as many lawsuits as there have been successes (mostly for e-coli poisoning, but plenty of labor disputes as well), but it scarcely matters. When the post-consumer homonunculi begin to rise from the soil, we will...No, I've already said too much.

Hm. I see here that the Lawsuit Against God has been thrown out, and CUPCAKES ARE A VIRUS!!! WHY DOES HE MOCK ME?