Yeah, I know, right? I WANT ONE!!!
Well, I did anyway, and that's where all my problems began.
So I'm sitting around the house, right? Looking at cup-caking-related blogs, like Cupcakes Take The Cake (LOL~!), and I start to feel cold, so I have to go get a blanket.
"The willow turns its back on inclement weather," as Sir Paul McCartney said in one of his many wonderful songs. I just think he got better, the older he got, don't you? But- I have to go put a blanket on me, and I just found myself going, why do we have to do this the old fashioned way? How can your average person, in this day and age, go about having to keep warm by wrapping a damn blanket around you? Why can't they just have arms?
But then I met Snuggie. When I saw that commercial, I saw the future. My future. I wanted one, and I called the number. After a quick, polite and professional interaction with one of the helpful operators, I awaited the arrival of something I knew I needed.
The day finally came, I broke it out of the box, and I put it on. For the first time since the Final Battle, I finally felt Home. Like this baby:
You know, safe! In a cute way! Not scary and weird!
When I felt that snuggly fleece all wrapped around me, I did feel like I could use my laptop! I did feel like I could take a sip of coffee without getting all black and white, covered with a big 'x'. I could be the only guy at the sporting event who looked like a monk!
That night, I fell asleep watching teevee ("Secret Millionaire"!), and I felt like nothing bad was ever going to happen to me again.
Then I woke up. I looked down at my new favorite thing, and I said (yeah that's right) "i love you snuggie," just like that. Quietly.
Well, I don't know if I was expecting it to say something nice back or something, but I definitely wasn't expecting it to tighten its grip on me. That's what it felt like: a grip, and it wasn't going to let me go.
At first, I didn't really have a problem with it, actually. If it loved me as much as I loved It, then I had gotten my money's worth and then some! I actually spent the whole day that way. Warm! Snug! Unable to move!
Stacy came in around Three (she's back, by the way. She says she has no idea what I'm talking about with the Diet Blogs and so on. She was in Cabo, partying at Sammy Hagar's place), took one look at me and started laughing.
I just kind of said, "Snuggie..." and she goes, "It's a fag cocoon!" Then she leaves, without asking me if maybe I'd like a little help getting up.
So I try to actually get up, thinking that this is kinda silly. But I'm still pinned under that soft and surprisingly light PolarFleece (tm) that I only paid pennies for, by the yard . I realize I still can't really, you know, move, and maybe there's something wrong here.
Well, I hadn't had much time to think about that -maybe a half hour, tops- when Snuggie starts making this noise.
Not really a noise so much as It was...Talking. It started talking. Or more really like chanting, because it only said one word over and over: "Bo-dy...Bo-dy...Bo-dy...Bo-dy".
I still didn't really think this was that bad, but it really made me think. I fell back asleep again, determined to do something about this the next day, with a fresh outlook.
Well, my outlook was every bit as stale the next day. Snuggie had started to send PolarFleece tendrils up my neck now, and was starting to entangle with my natural hair. I wanted to say, hey, you don't have to do this, but my mouth wasn't working anymore, either.
I realized what this was, and what I'd have to do.
Still able to reach my laptop -just like they said- I went to Pizza Hut's website and ordered a P'Zone(tm)! (Well? I hadn't eaten in like thirty-six hours!) While I laid there for the next hour waiting for them to get there, I pondered my options.
The guy with the pizza/calzone wanted money. And once he figured out that the door was unlocked, he went about trying to find it. Eventually, he noticed me lying there, covered with sage green fleece.
He laughed and said something that kinda sounded like "fag cocoon", but I couldn't tell because Snuggie had now grown up into my ear holes. I fixed him with a sharp look.
He stopped, and looked back. We stayed like that a good while, locking eyes.
All Pizza Hut (tm) employees are my minions, whether they realize it or not. They peddle not-food, for reasons that I might one day explain to you. Matter of fact, everyone who works for the YUM Corporation (KFC, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut), from management on down, works to stoke the furnaces of Hell (it's in the Contract!).
But, this guy being what he was -that is, a pasty faced American teenager who plays too many video games- all I could find in his head that I might cause him to manifest that would actually help me in my delicate position was this bit of gibberish:
"WEB OF SPONTANEOUS FIRE!!!", he found himself proclaiming, no doubt to his surprise. It happened: suddenly the living room was filled with tendrils of pure infernal fire, which bonded to the Snuggie, who/which, finally having something else to contend with, let me go. In this time, it also incinerated, and was sent to Hell.
Which is where it came from, you might be thinking, right? No. Crap like this, that seems so benign but actually is Cancer, Up and Walking Around, comes straight from the Silver City, bitch-azzzz! This is God's work. He loves cute things that kill you!
The last time I got tired of this, I raised an army and stood against him. I lost, which I believe we have dealt with elsewhere. But I'm getting tired of this all over again. As tired of it as I was when I found out that Kansas was a Christian rock band.
If that bastard up there in the sky wants to mess with me in my home, let him come down and do it. I still have plenty of colleagues who work in the Republican Guard (which is what the Seraphim are calling themselves these days), and they said they'd welcome a change, whenever I felt like giving it another shot. This was only ten, maybe less, million years ago.
I shall raise an army. Then we'll see who gets to have infected blankets. After all this was done, and the smoking remains of the teen were cleared away, Stacy came back. She had a video of "The L Word", and some Panda Express (tm). She said she was sorry, but just couldn't take seeing me wrapped up in that thing. Yeah, I admitted it was goofy.
Then she goes, "You know, right? You know what you have to do, right?"
I looked at her blankly. "Y-you mean raise an army against God?"
She flicked me in the middle of my forehead with her finger. "No! You need to go to Cabo Wabo! It's awesome!"
I was relieved, but I wondered...
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