The Conquering Squadrons of Team O

O.M.G. Just when I thought I knew everything, I find this:

It's Stacy! And something burned her face off!

Let's back up a bit. I was watching a little Dr. Phil, and "surfing" the Internet. As I pretty much always do, I was agreeing with everything D.P. (that's what I call him!) had to say, and even the soothing Southern rhythms of his imparted a special kind of wisdom to the very, very wise things he was saying.
So he's sitting there patiently explaining to an Abuse Victim (A.V.!) how, well I think he was saying, "Tha-at's what we doc-tor people call trans-fer-ence..." or something, when I find a "pop-up" on my computer screen.

Like always, I immediately open it up.

What I see makes me immediately start looking over my shoulder. Someone has taken Stacy, put her in an ugly dress and burned her face off! Then, they suck all the fat out of her arms, and totally don't put her face back!
And I think to myself; you know, it has been a while since I've seen her...She seemed to think that I was only "seeing" her to shush up some rumors that've been going around about me. She also seemed to think that maybe I was kind of scared of her. Maybe I was, but regardless of my personal feelings, I NEVER WISHED THIS UPON HER!!!

So part of what happened here is that they seem to have crammed the identities of two separate ladies into the body of my girlfriend. On one hand, the text that sits next to these photos is called "Jessica's Fat Loss- How I lost 47 pounds", but the photo is title 'Kim before-after'. All this, then they burned her face off and sent it to me, over the Internet.
Those G__damned archangels are notorious for that kind of thing, when they really want to punish somebody...Or punish me through someone else! Oh, poor Stacy: she was in their way.

And the hardest part of all is how they used Oprah to get at me. Read this!
"I tried several diets that claimed amazing results. I spent about $100 on fake products that didn't yield any good results. I was almost about to give up and just try to live with it until... I saw something on Oprah and then later on Rachel Ray that changed my life."

Well, I always do too! On Oprah's show, anyway (that Rachel Ray is stuck up, if you ask me). Even though O is likely to bring up God a lot, I think she just does it because He's in charge of the media, and if she doesn't say his name often enough, the FCC yanks her license.
Anyway:

"One morning I turned on the TV to Oprah (I love Oprah), she had Dr. Oz on the show and they proceeded to talk about a fruit called "acai" berries and how it is the new "superfood". To be honest, I'd still be 20 pounds fatter if I didn't see this episode."

Ah-sah-eee berries. I heard about that too, because...I WAS WATCHING THAT SAME EXACT EPISODE! What the H is going on here?
And by the way, sister; you didn't lose twenty of anything, Kim Jessica, because that's not your body! I want you out of my girlfriend right now!

But it gets weirder: this girl's blog isn't really a blog! Matter of fact, if you want to go there, I learned how to do the "hyperlinks" the other day.
http://www.jessicas-diet.com/?t202id=7196&t202kw=josh%20hartnett.

Do you think it's weird how Josh Hartnett pops up at the end of that websentence? I do! I mean, he's incredibly talented, and one of my favorite male actors, but he has nothing to do with any of this, and what do you think They meant by 'Twenty per-cent Hartnett'?
Do they know me that well? That they're trying to get to me by luring in me in with Josh and Oprah?

And then, down at the bottom, there's comments from these people who I really don't think exist with names like 'Jess' and 'Janet' (in fact, it's quite a while before whatever entity wrote this came up with a name that doesn't start with 'j'), and 'Tracy (male)'.
I was trying like mad to comment, but it says that the comments are closed!

I haven't written anything for a year because I was following Maroon 5 around the country (they're so good!), and attended a "retreat" at the Harpo compound (which I'm not supposed to talk about: you have to be a Friend of Steadman's). While I was there, Oprah's BFF Jill (again with the J's!) asked me what I did for a living, and I said that I'm an online entrepeneur!
She went off to the study with Gale -Oprah's even B-er FF- to look at the computer, and when they came back, they both looked at me like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths! So I went and I saw what they were looking at...The very last thing I wrote last year, which maybe I could see how somebody might think maybe I was making fun of the O clothes catalog!

But I wasn't! This is so unfair! But look at this year's catalog; do you think they're sending me messages?

I mean, what could "Love what you've got" mean, if not: you'd better look out. We're coming to get Stacy, steal her identity and stuff her with other people. Then we're going to burn her face off!

Or this one!
If that isn't a threat, I don't know what a threat is! "What you do today creates every tomorrow" is a warning directed at Me that says Okay, we're on to you, Prince. You laughed at us once, and that's one more chance than anyone ever gets! Now you've made your cake and you're going to lie in it!

Nested here in these simple little affirmations on stylish and affordable tee-shirts, there is a marketing campaign that is an alarm bell meant only for Me.
Okay, look:

"Live Your Own Dreams"- As in 'quit stealing mine and making fun of me.' I mean, the sentiment pretty much doesn't mean anything if you look at it in any other way, so it's gotta be a threat!

And for some reason, the Florence Henderson lady just makes it creepier:
"Become more of yourself"?
Are they saying they want me to get fat? Really, I have no idea what that might mean otherwise, so that's gotta be it.

Look Oprah, I know that you've struggled with your weight, and the heartbreak that's brought you (and Steadman). As we watched you go up and down on the scale, we cried the same tears you cried, and it made us become better people.
But that doesn't mean that you need to become a Punishing Arm of God's Vengeance! What has he ever done for you or your people? Slavery? You think that was my idea? He was always solidly on record as wanting a race of people just to work the land! Check the bible!

So I know a contract's a contract, and you gotta honor your obligations, but could you please stop with this stuff? It's weird, and I really think you should leave Stacy out of it. I'll buy things! I'll...Lift that curse on Gale! I'll...LOOK, STACY IS CARRYING MY HELLSPAWN! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH DANGER YOU'RE IN, AND HOW MEDDLING LIKE THIS COULD DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! DO YOU WANT THAT, OPRAH? I THINK YOU'LL HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT DEALS IN A NON-UNIVERSE TYPE MARKET! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LOSE HERE! Think of Steadman! I don't know...

Weeping a little, I went down to Saint Cupcake. The girl behind the counter looked at me weird. Hm. You guys too?